Another Me

There is another me, living inside of me. She probably loves me more than I love her. Every time, every day, my whole life long, she gives her best to fulfill my wishes. She gives all she has, till the very last drop of her power. Again and again.

She has kind ways. If she wants to tell me something, she almost always whispers. That's what she does most of the time, the whole day long. But there are also special days, when she is quiet, at peace, content and calm. During those days I feel alone inside of myself and can simply follow my free flow - this is how most people live, I realized. But not me, not any more, most of the time not. Even in my free flow, I have to be very careful, not to wake her up out of her peace. And the tricky thing is - anything, really anything can wake her up: a walk in a park, a swimm in a lake, a talk with a friend, half a glass of wine, lots of thinking, an hour of working, a piece of chocolate... I never know. She is a mystery.

Sometimes she screams and - oh my God - everything shakes then! My head, my nerves, my muscles... they shake and burn. Every cell of my body cries, the hormons run high, my nervous system becomes a highway for billions of impulses. When she screams, it often lasts for days. I know that now, I've learned. And she screams with such a raw intensity! With a shaking, burning pain, probably as intense as my passion for life. It fills all the cells, as if I was made of pain. I let her scream, my poor darling. I go to bed, lay down and simply listen to her screaming, day after day after day. I am there for her, unconditionally, holding her, letting her scream... Hello, darling, I know you well. I am so sorry for your pain. I see you, dear, come and rest. It's ok. Stay here, as long as you need. I know, you like when I am present for you. Here, come into my arms, poor darling. We don't know why are you aching right now. But we both know, that this too will pass... I put a blanket of love over her. There is nothing more I can do.


And it really does pass, mostly after 3-4 days - but only if I hold her in my arms, watching over her with presence and kindness. Then she is back to her whispering, the one that follows all my actions, all my moods, ideas, wantings, wishes, movements of my body or my mind, my plans... my life. She is all the time with me. Through my days and my nights. It's like I am having a third ear, that I only use to listen to her whispering. From the very fist moment when I open my eyes in the morning - there she is, telling me about the fog in my head, the hole in my solar plexus, the pain in my limbs, overal burning in my cells, pressure behind my eyes... and there is also her intuitive knowing about how much we can handle today. 


She and me - we only have each other. Other people don't like her. Doctors don't like her, they don't know what to do with her, as she can not be cured by medical means. Even friends don't know how to deal with her. I can understand, cause only I can hear her whispering. Most of the people behave as if she does not exist, because most of the time she stays invisible for an outer eye. When I name her, they try to put some masks on her, calling her different names and putting her in contexts, that would help them deal with her invisible presence inside of me. But truely, she stays a mystery to all.


She is still a mystery to me too, but - finally - I love her. I am learning to love her the way she loves me. She still always tries to do all she can for me - just like she always did. And even though I don't really understand her, I am learning to love her more than anything else: more than my passions and longings, my whishes  and fulfilments, my joys and excitements, my vocation and creation, my whatever. I keep on cancelling meetings with friends, dinner parties, dancing evenings, workshops, travelling, concerts, creative flow, intensive jobs, museums, yoga classes.... I am learning to let go of everything, again and again... It's a tough practice for me to learn that no creative flow and no heartful longing is more important than her. I used to live the opposite.


So I keep on practicing. Cause she and me, we only have each other. And that's OK. She is probably going to be the love of my life :), that will teach me to let go of all, so I am able to embrace more. Or is that just my hope? I am letting go of my fulfillments, all these things that used to nourish me and that became sources of pain now. Sometimes this letting go feels like dying, like loosing connections to people, loosing joy and pleasure, loosing the holding in my life. I get afraid and so sad. Will I be able to be the Mother that I wish to be? I grieve... and then come back to loving her.


Sometimes it seems that Doing is over for me. It seems, I am just meant to BE now in this fragile tender presence - forever? Sometimes I loose orientation. But sometimes, witnessing the stream of Life inside of me and around me, that "just being" feels so vivid, passionate and powerful! And it can feel so free and spacious, to let go of things that were defining something, even if that "something" were my pleasures. And then I realize, I don't need to let go of everything to love her first. There are precious things, she lets me keep. Things that include her too. The really essencial and soulful things. All the things that are here now and that have always been here now. Those unbreakable timeless things, which I really AM and which are behind all forms of body, all forms of mind, all forms of actions. 


Days come and go, waves come and go - her waves of whispering, of screaming, of silence, of pain, of wellbeing. Waves of power and waves of powerlessness. And here I am, witnessing impermanence of life in such a pure form. Impermanence embraces me, I embrace impermanence. The Now dives into me, I dive into the Now. All this together with her, who is becoming my dearest best friend: she, my precious companion, my body with Chronic Fatigue Syndrom. Sitting in peace, while impermanence storms around us, we smile at each other, listen to each other. Melting into Oneness that is growing with each compassionate embrace of WHAT IS, we both know, that love between the soul and the body will only pass on this earthly plane. Cause every True Love is timeless. 

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