Looking back at my life story, I see a difficult way, with traumas and fears, much pain and grief, but also much light, a gift of a brave heart and trust in my soul, that carried me through. I had the best teacher - Life, or God, you name it. Suffering showed me the way to grow, while blessings supported my unfolding. Allies and mentors, visible and invisible, were always at my side, although I did not always know it. But today I can travel back in my mind and heart to the lost and sad little girl I was, and I can whisper in her ear, that one day everything will be all right. She smiles. Today she trusts me.
My life started with a birth trauma and an unhappy childhood, full of inner insecurities. I tried to stabilize myself by being a good adjusted girl, always best at school, but of course, that did not really work in my adulthood. I had a successful career as a graduate engineer and a university lecturer when I got ill and depressed in my mid 20's. Realizing that I have been ignoring my soul for so many years by trying to adjust and feel loved and safe, I decided to give up everything and start my life from scratch. In the next years I was studying art, which had been my long time passion. I moved to Germany and continued studying at the Bauhaus University. After a couple of years traveling between cities and countries, I started my own business for graphic/web design in Berlin. This was not an easy path and yet, it was the path of my soul, the only possible one. On my way I learned about being authentic vs. being perfect and how to follow my soul's wisdom. In time my work unfolded into supporting others bringing their Soul Business to life. It became my vocation to show the way to passionate authenticity by developing a holistic approach in graphic/web design: Authentic Design. I have been practicing it as a freelance designer for more than 20 years now. More about my personal transformation during these times you can read in my Blog article "Authenticity Rising".
While my authenticity was unfolding, my inner seed wildly wanted to grow. I had to make up for many experiences that I was missing due to unhappy childhood and teenage years. I was thirsty to live freely and collect experiences, my soul wanted to learn, learn, learn - to learn from Life and to learn from Spirit. So I moved between a couple of cities and countries and also travelled to India, France and Switzerland to study psychology and alternative healing (see my qualifications). I discovered self-love and realized that it is the basis of any transformation. Although I became stronger and closer to my soul, there was still instability on many levels. I still suffered from PTSD from time to time (which I did not know then) and inner work and healing had to be continued. But what was stable, was the trust in my soul, in transformation. Looking back today, I can see that there were two important wings of my development at that time. One was to experience joy, aliveness, happiness, bliss and in this way strengthen self-love and connection to my soul. And second, to do the inner work, embracing the shadow and suffering I was carrying from my past. Studying 4 years at the Snowlion Center School for body and energy work deeply changed me. There I learned to profoundly allow and embrace vulnerability and gained precious knowledge and tools in psychology and work with aura. In the years later, blessed with a wonderful therapist, I was learning to heal my traumas even deeper and to widen the inner vessel - the deeper I get to the roots of suffering, the higher the bliss and ectasy becomes. I have been walking this way since then.
A couple of years ago I dealt with a great loss when father of my daughter died after 9 years of cancer. My daughter was 10 years old then and I knew I had to embrace death, otherwise I can not support her to integrate such a big loss. In the same year my mother died and also one of my best friends. So I had three huge losses in one year, one of them very traumatic. Today I can say, Death and Loss were my biggest teachers. I am deeply thankful to the strength of my soul for managing to go through these huge themes. And to the fact that I had collected enough teachings and therapy hours before that, enough self-love and stability in emotional processing, enough blissful experiences and contact with my Essence, to be able to dive deeply into the pain and - also this time - turn suffering into gold. To do what I call the Golden Alchemy. After making death and loss part of me, part of Life, and knowing that grief is one of the most important tools of transformation, I live as much more conscious person. So many things are just not important any more. And some things are forever precious. Life got more simple and so much more fulfilling. When I live as if I could die tomorrow, my life today is full of meaning and preciousness.
Dealing with sleep disorder and chronic fatigue was another hard chapter of my life. I had to face helplessness and embrace my weakness like never before. I had to let go of many ideas about my life and become more simple and more humble. I have found out that many people do not understand this illness, including medical doctors. So I had to listen to my intuition and develop my own healing way. This is where I found the precious connection with forests, that became one of my most important resources. Out of this experience, and with a big wish to support others in the same situation, I offer Forest Healing sessions and workshops.
When I look back today to the numerous ups and downs in my life, they actually feel exciting. As if Life must have loved me and had so much trust in me - the trust that its tasks will not put me down but make me grow. As if Life knew that my soul passionately wanted to grow. And I wanted really big challenges, so I can practice the lioness heart! Sometimes it is incredible hard, but I still manage to always come back to trusting Life. Happiness and ecstasy used to be my goal, but today I know better: the deeper the roots of suffering, the stronger the light that shines through it and the higher the bliss of its integration. Today I know that everything, really everything, is Life and Love.
Long time ago someone asked me, what was my most important goal in life. I was inexperienced then, but out of somewhere deep within me I said (surprized by my own answer) "I wish to be so wise, that I can embrace Shadow just the same as Light and know that they are essentially the same, none is better than the other." So my Life, my teacher, made my wish come true. Only when we carry both, can we really choose, cause we are not afraid any more. This is a life with a peaceful heart, a life of contentment and soulful happiness.
I am not always happy on the outside, but I am not running away from unhappiness, as I know this is just an invitation for another Golden Alchemy to happen. I learn to say YES and accept what is there, right here, right now. I learn to ride the waves better and better. And the waves don't matter that much any more. Good day, bad day, happiness, unhappiness - the waves change all the time anyway, that is the nature of Life. But my inner golden fire, that trusts Life and Love, that integrates suffering and knows the Essence - that source is always in the background. This is what makes life precious and peaceful and grows the fearless heart, that is ready for anything.
By the grace of the Universe, a couple of years ago I was given a gift of experiencing a state of consciousness where everything is One, that lasted several days. With this experience in the background and after everything I have been through in my life, it is my passion, mission and vocation to bring Spirit into Matter, to see Light in the Darkness, to give Meaning to the Crisis and to embrace all of Life. Blessings to all.